Thursday, October 23, 2008

Karaoke, Dolly Parton, & adult diapers

We've all heard of it, Karaoke. Huh... What is it you ask? For the dummies who asked that question, I'll enlighten you before you risk your life! Karaoke is a music entertainment system providing prerecorded accompaniment to so-so songs that people sing live, following the words on a video screen, while the stage engulfs you as it implodes. That's what happened to me when I started to sing the Dolly Parton song "9 to 5", which might explain why Dolly is strap with safety wires when she performs. Don't believe me? The next time you see her in concert, notice how she bounces on stage. Not her breasts!

Karaoke suppose to be great entertainment, when in truth, it's a death trap! You go up on stage not worrying what you sound like, about to sing your heart out, but instead you scream your lungs out falling, like if you saw your grandma walking around naked, which I don't wish on anyone. When I saw her naked as a kid, not only did I scream, I lost control of my urine, but not when I fell through that stage since she wasn't around.

Karaoke. Don't do it! But if you have no choice, make sure you go to the bathroom before. If your interested, The Depend company makes a line of products for adults who can't hold their urine, like absorbency pads for women and men with both genitalia, or adult diapers for the ones who have never been trained all their life since their mom fell through a stage.

It's a cruel world out there, so don't die wet! No one is going to change you at a Karaoke bar before you go to the morgue. I know I wont!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dolly_Parton
http://www.depend.com/products/products_all.asp

Sunday, May 11, 2008

The Large Hadron Collider and God

Ever wanted to meet God? You know we don't have a choice. Well before the end of this month we might meet the good lord before he sends some of us to hell. CERN, a laboratory for physicists in Geneva, is about to launch a particle accelerator called the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), 17 miles in diameter, which Nostradamus predicts will end the world, putting the Geneva Conventions out of business, leaving investors high and dry besides dead.

The people at CERN, some who don't believe in God, state they're gonna try to create God at the LHC, except he wont be like the God we know and love, Zeus, or even Buddha. This God will be a severely handicap God, with no arms or legs, making it impossible for haters to tie him to a cross. This God (aka Higgs Boson, not to be confused for bosom) is a tiny particle 100,000 times hotter than the sun, so you know he wont be a happy camper. Who can blame him if he kills us with more than just lightning. I don't.

Black Holes are the most uncontrollable destructive force in the universe, which is why physicists at CERN plan to create them too with the LHC, to witness them in their full glory, a split second before we implode. If there's ever a video that wont make it on YouTube, this is it, but I'm sure someone will surprise us. God?

Anyway, some people fear that black holes produced by CERN might destroy Earth after gravitating to Earth's core, knowing full well that black holes will evaporate by a never before seen hyped theoretical process by Stephen Hawking. Their fears originates from a lost bet by Stephen Hawking back in 2004 where he admitted his theory, Hawking radiation, was in error. An error Stephen corrected to get the desired result, like any good professor who doesn't want to look like a moron, stating that instead of being thrown into another universe if we get sucked into a Black Hole, we'll just burn up and return to our universe in a mangled heated form, similar to toast, to which God will eat us for breakfast. Think God will let us go to waste? Maybe if he doesn't have any jelly.

Another product CERN wants to create with the LHC, that's if you could call it a product before it absorbs you, which means you would have to speak faster than the Chinese (No offense), is a product called Strangelet. You don't want to know what this could do, believe me. Lets just say God wont eat us to avoid an upset stomach, specially since no one will be around to produce Alka-Seltzer.

References:
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Large_Hadron_Collider
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LHC_Safety_concerns
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LHC_Micro_black_holes
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hawking_radiation
* Hawking concedes black hole bet
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Losing_an_old_bet
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Higgs_boson_(God_Particle)
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CERN
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LHC_Strangelets
* Nostradamus LHC prediction, #44