Thursday, April 7, 2016

Panama Papers has nothing to do with deforestation!

Ok... I'll admit that at first I thought the Panama Papers was an April Fool's joke. I'll also admit that on that day when I later found out it was April 3rd, I thought it was a boycott on paper goods from Panama since they have deforestation problems. My girlfriend then schooled me that it had to do with about 214,000 offshore companies hiding money for the wealthy, but somehow their paper currency got shredded, hence the name, Panama Papers.

I love how she keeps me up to speed!


Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Trees + Alcohol = Flat Faces

Where was my trampoline?
We heard it a million times... Never drink and drive!

What? You want to know what happened to my writing mojo these past few years? First, don't change the subject. Second, there is no second!

Huh? Why then did I write second when there is no second? Third, I don't continue from first, because then you'll be expecting THIRD! See, under the influence of alcohol, you'll be asking crazed questions to someone who's been in a car accident. My intuition also tells me you're thinking about a tree! Not that I hit one, but to chop it down! Don't do that!

That's how I got hurt. A drunk driver hit a tree (didn't chop), and it fell on me while I was climbing a pole. It was crazy as I fell after getting hit in the head. I was hoping for either Tarzan or his buddy Cheata to save me. But as soon as I came to my senses, remembering they're Disney characters, and that there was no stable branches around for them to swing on, I hit the ground.

I woke up a week later at a hospital and saw my mom sitting in a chair with a burley looking plant. She cried with a happy grin on her face when I said "Hi." She then placed this plant on a windowsill, which didn't stay long. Not because someone harvested it, but it fell out. Seeing this I screamed, because I knew no one was gonna smoke it, but get hit!

20 minutes later I had a roommate named Greg. I asked him how his head was, and he said "What?" But I left it at that, because his leg started to hurt. He then asked me why I was there, and I said "like you." He then said "Ok...", wrinkling his nose wierd, which was a sure sign he got hit in the face.

Anyway, you see? It's like a chain reaction that goes from trees, to injuries, and more castastrophies. So stop drinking... put down your axe... and go hug a tree. But watch out for people like yourself who are driving or chopping! I'll get back to your first question just as soon as I get over your following one. Peace!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Writer's Block Help - The Perfect Cure!

Since my last blog entry, I couldn't think of anything to write. I know, hard to believe, but I kid you not. My writers block was more like a brick. I'm not talking legos! Anyway, all of a sudden it hit me like a shoe thrown by an Arab. An obituary! :-)

Yes, I know what you're thinking "Someone died?" And my answer to you is "That's a stupid question." You don't have to wait for someone to kick the bucket to write an obituary... not that I'm saying to kick it for them, because that wont send them to their grave. It's a bucket! So don't waste your time kicking it, that's unless you're not a real writer, but a retarded farmer.

Writer's block effects millions of people, but an obituary can cure this by getting the juices flowing like formaldehyde. So without further ado, here's an obituary I wrote for a bug that I stepped on this morning... It's kind of short.

Cockroach... Dead...

I got my mojo back!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

CERN's LHC's quark soup is not edible!

Within the next few months, The European Organization for Nuclear Research, CERN (go figure), will create quark–gluon plasma soup at their particle collider, the Large Hadron Collider.
I know what you're thinking... what's the big deal, right? It's quark! I eat it all the time. Well imagine taking a bite from a quark soup that's more 200 thousand of times hotter than the core of the sun. You know how big that blister will be on your tongue? You wont be able to talk!

From Wikipedia, Quark–gluon plasma or quark soup is a phase of quantum chromodynamics which exists at extremely high temperature and/or density. In case you're wondering "WTF?", read on about quantum chromodynamics which will clear things up. Quantum chromodynamics (QCD) is a theory of the strong interaction (color force), a fundamental force describing the interactions of the quarks and gluons making up hadrons (such as the proton, neutron or pion). Ah, right? It's not cheese! You can't buy it at your local grocery store, walmart, or make it on your own. It's made from colliding protons in huge detectors built to record it before it goes stale!

I know what you're thinking again "I like stale cheese,". Well, it's not cheese, I tell you! How many times do I have to write this to get it through your thick head! Like I stated above, it's so hot it will dissolve your spoon, but if you want to try, go ahead and see if I care. I wont be losing money on silverware! And if you're lucky enough to get a bite, well guess what Einstein, you'll die! DIE!

What am I talking about you ask? Well, no one at the LHC will allow you to get that close to those quarks anyway, or maybe they should so they can watch you go "POOF!" because you couldn't control your appetite. You had it coming!

* Scientists recreate Big Bang 'quark soup'

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Karaoke, Dolly Parton, & adult diapers

We've all heard of it, Karaoke. Huh... What is it you ask? For the dummies who asked that question, I'll enlighten you before you risk your life! Karaoke is a music entertainment system providing prerecorded accompaniment to so-so songs that people sing live, following the words on a video screen, while the stage engulfs you as it implodes. That's what happened to me when I started to sing the Dolly Parton song "9 to 5", which might explain why Dolly is strap with safety wires when she performs. Don't believe me? The next time you see her in concert, notice how she bounces on stage. Not her breasts!

Karaoke suppose to be great entertainment, when in truth, it's a death trap! You go up on stage not worrying what you sound like, about to sing your heart out, but instead you scream your lungs out falling, like if you saw your grandma walking around naked, which I don't wish on anyone. When I saw her naked as a kid, not only did I scream, I lost control of my urine, but not when I fell through that stage since she wasn't around.

Karaoke. Don't do it! But if you have no choice, make sure you go to the bathroom before. If your interested, The Depend company makes a line of products for adults who can't hold their urine, like absorbency pads for women and men with both genitalia, or adult diapers for the ones who have never been trained all their life since their mom fell through a stage.

It's a cruel world out there, so don't die wet! No one is going to change you at a Karaoke bar before you go to the morgue. I know I wont!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

The Large Hadron Collider and God

Ever wanted to meet God? You know we don't have a choice. Well before the end of this month we might meet the good lord before he sends some of us to hell. CERN, a laboratory for physicists in Geneva, is about to launch a particle accelerator called the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), 17 miles in diameter, which Nostradamus predicts will end the world, putting the Geneva Conventions out of business, leaving investors high and dry besides dead.

The people at CERN, some who don't believe in God, state they're gonna try to create God at the LHC, except he wont be like the God we know and love, Zeus, or even Buddha. This God will be a severely handicap God, with no arms or legs, making it impossible for haters to tie him to a cross. This God (aka Higgs Boson, not to be confused for bosom) is a tiny particle 100,000 times hotter than the sun, so you know he wont be a happy camper. Who can blame him if he kills us with more than just lightning. I don't.

Black Holes are the most uncontrollable destructive force in the universe, which is why physicists at CERN plan to create them too with the LHC, to witness them in their full glory, a split second before we implode. If there's ever a video that wont make it on YouTube, this is it, but I'm sure someone will surprise us. God?

Anyway, some people fear that black holes produced by CERN might destroy Earth after gravitating to Earth's core, knowing full well that black holes will evaporate by a never before seen hyped theoretical process by Stephen Hawking. Their fears originates from a lost bet by Stephen Hawking back in 2004 where he admitted his theory, Hawking radiation, was in error. An error Stephen corrected to get the desired result, like any good professor who doesn't want to look like a moron, stating that instead of being thrown into another universe if we get sucked into a Black Hole, we'll just burn up and return to our universe in a mangled heated form, similar to toast, to which God will eat us for breakfast. Think God will let us go to waste? Maybe if he doesn't have any jelly.

Another product CERN wants to create with the LHC, that's if you could call it a product before it absorbs you, which means you would have to speak faster than the Chinese (No offense), is a product called Strangelet. You don't want to know what this could do, believe me. Lets just say God wont eat us to avoid an upset stomach, specially since no one will be around to produce Alka-Seltzer.

* Hawking concedes black hole bet
* Nostradamus LHC prediction, #44

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Antibacterial Soap & Courtney Love

You probably wont believe it, sometimes I don't believe it, but not once did I write the last few months. Those first 3 blog entries took a lot out of me, like how you feel when you're dying of a virus caught from chimps that smacked you with their feces because you didn't have a banana.

Anyway, every year thousands upon thousands of people get sick from a new strain of virus, which might explain why Courtney Love looks the way she does. I wouldn't want to be caught dead in the same room with her, because I can't run away! Who wants to come back as a Zombie after getting infected? Not me! Because next thing you know we're getting married!

Sometimes a common cold virus, or germ you picked up from someome who recently cleaned their butt, can make you even more sick when your body defenses are weak from washing too much with antibacterial soap. The American Medical Association (AMA) state that antibacterial products, which includes what you use in the kitchen, help create resistant bacteria! Imagine not being able to kill the bacteria you picked up from Paris Hilton. I'm using her as an example since I hear she's dirty, even after showering with Palmolive dish washing liquid.

Regular soap and water gets rid of bacteria easily, by adhering it to the soap’s fatty acids, which become encapsulated in droplets of water and washed away. That's right! The first sentence of this paragraph was lifted from another article, but it's not plagiarism since I'm admitting to this. Think I want to go to jail where I'm forced to wash with Dial? Think again! Courtney might be there!

* The Dangers of Antibacterial Soap
* Old virus causing new disease in United States
* Wikipedia: Antibacterial soap
* Wikipedia: Triclosan, potent antibacterial and antifungal agent
* Wikipedia: Dial soap

Friday, November 23, 2007

Long breaks (Hiatus) are good

You probably all know by now that I took a break from writing. Sometimes a good break, which is also called Hiatus, probably because an African got attacked by a Hyena he owned, prompting this person to take up writing, is good for the mind and soul if you don't own wild dogs.

Hope you all have a nice weekend!